Near Death Experience
For real. I had this amazing New Year's, weekend, and last night I was on my way home from it. On 40- it's dark, kind of misty but everything seems to be moving along. I'm on the phone with Tim, and we're catching up and I notice this guy in front of me slowing down. And the car in front of him is going even slower. But I didn't think much of it, since I was only a couple of miles from my exit and thought I could put up with driving slowly.
Then, things took a downhill turn. The car in front of the car in front of me weaved out of the lane, back in to the lane and came to a complete stop. Which means the car in front of me had to come to a complete stop. Which means that I had to. I looked in the rearview mirror and realized the car behind me was going to run into me and the car behind was going to run into and there were more cars and all I could think was how ridiculous it would be to be in a wreck on a Sunday evening less than 4 miles from my house.
I had to stop, ended up having to slam on brakes and when I looked back all I saw was headlights. Then, thankfully, the cars behind me swerved onto the shoulder. I had actually closed my eyes without even realizing it, and when I opened them I was a) still alive, b) shocked that I wasn't crying and c) really angry that someone would either be drunk or insane on 40 with cars traveling an average of probably 70 mph. There was this silence (I had actually hung up the phone, thankfully) and I couldn't remember the last time I thought I was going to be in a really bad situation and then wasn't.
We kept driving. Everyone pulled back onto the highway and thankfully enough people behind us had seen what was going ..d into the far left lane to give us room to get back on track. It's so funny how something like that happens and you start going through what would have been. For me, it's what would people see when they went through my apartment? How long would it have taken for someone who knew me to be reached?
So many things have stressed me out the last few days, so maybe I just really needed a reality check. I needed to know that there is more than what I continually turn to. I am constantly thinking I have this Buddhist philosophy on life, and yet I don't always apply it. Last night, I was definitely angry at the guy who was weaving around in traffic. The weird part is that I thought about the other people he could have hurt- not necessarily me, but people with kids, people who have others depending on them. I'm lucky. I guess Lucy and Nigel depend on me, but I think that's it. It's just a weird feeling to come so close to not knowing what would happen to you and then everything just return to normal within maybe, I don't know, 3 minutes? How everything that I knew could have changed (or theoretically ended, but maybe I'm being a bit melodramatic- I mean, I have about 10 airbags in my car) and how different today would have been if I had not been able to stop or if the cars behind me had not gone off the road. The most amazing thing to me is that it felt like I wasn't reacting at all. Not just slowly- AT ALL. I didn't even consider leaving the road, and I don't know why. I wonder if that says something about me- that I was unwilling to abandon asphalt for the rough terrain on the side of the road? That I was too stubborn to move? That I was too afraid? I'm not sure.
What I like about what happened last night is the reality check part. I know that most of the time I mention my "near death experiences" in passing, kind of as jokes because they're normally not even close. But for some reason this one affected me more. And it's certainly not like I haven't been in close calls on the highway. But I felt my heart stop, just briefly, and I know my eyes closed. When they reopened, I was fine.
Then, things took a downhill turn. The car in front of the car in front of me weaved out of the lane, back in to the lane and came to a complete stop. Which means the car in front of me had to come to a complete stop. Which means that I had to. I looked in the rearview mirror and realized the car behind me was going to run into me and the car behind was going to run into and there were more cars and all I could think was how ridiculous it would be to be in a wreck on a Sunday evening less than 4 miles from my house.
I had to stop, ended up having to slam on brakes and when I looked back all I saw was headlights. Then, thankfully, the cars behind me swerved onto the shoulder. I had actually closed my eyes without even realizing it, and when I opened them I was a) still alive, b) shocked that I wasn't crying and c) really angry that someone would either be drunk or insane on 40 with cars traveling an average of probably 70 mph. There was this silence (I had actually hung up the phone, thankfully) and I couldn't remember the last time I thought I was going to be in a really bad situation and then wasn't.
We kept driving. Everyone pulled back onto the highway and thankfully enough people behind us had seen what was going ..d into the far left lane to give us room to get back on track. It's so funny how something like that happens and you start going through what would have been. For me, it's what would people see when they went through my apartment? How long would it have taken for someone who knew me to be reached?
So many things have stressed me out the last few days, so maybe I just really needed a reality check. I needed to know that there is more than what I continually turn to. I am constantly thinking I have this Buddhist philosophy on life, and yet I don't always apply it. Last night, I was definitely angry at the guy who was weaving around in traffic. The weird part is that I thought about the other people he could have hurt- not necessarily me, but people with kids, people who have others depending on them. I'm lucky. I guess Lucy and Nigel depend on me, but I think that's it. It's just a weird feeling to come so close to not knowing what would happen to you and then everything just return to normal within maybe, I don't know, 3 minutes? How everything that I knew could have changed (or theoretically ended, but maybe I'm being a bit melodramatic- I mean, I have about 10 airbags in my car) and how different today would have been if I had not been able to stop or if the cars behind me had not gone off the road. The most amazing thing to me is that it felt like I wasn't reacting at all. Not just slowly- AT ALL. I didn't even consider leaving the road, and I don't know why. I wonder if that says something about me- that I was unwilling to abandon asphalt for the rough terrain on the side of the road? That I was too stubborn to move? That I was too afraid? I'm not sure.
What I like about what happened last night is the reality check part. I know that most of the time I mention my "near death experiences" in passing, kind of as jokes because they're normally not even close. But for some reason this one affected me more. And it's certainly not like I haven't been in close calls on the highway. But I felt my heart stop, just briefly, and I know my eyes closed. When they reopened, I was fine.
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